Here’s what we’ve all been waiting for! From the highly esteemed WebMD and identified as their ‘top pick’, you are invited to ‘Use This Plan to Stop Smoking’ – that is, if you’re a smoker looking for advice on how to quit.

Let’s click on the link and see. There’s a set of questions. These are some of them, and as usual I’ve added comments, this time from the point of view of a potential client:

Are You Ready to Quit Smoking? Those who are ready, quit, and those who aren’t, smoke.

Why do you want to quit? Obvious

When are you planning to quit? I want to put it off as long as possible.

Have you talked to your doctor? About stopping smoking? Do I need his permission?

What are you going to do to ease cravings? So I’m going to get cravings? What are these anyway?

What are you going to do when you really want to light up? Oh dear. What’s the difference between really wanting to light up and cravings?

What’s kept you from quitting? The fact that, as with most smokers, I don’t really want to quit.

Have you thought about how you’ll track your progress? Track my progress? If I quit, what’s there to track?

If none of this works, let’s look at their ‘13 Best Quit-Smoking Tips Ever’. Here they are, and I’ve commented in the same fashion:

Find Your Reason. As the Irishman said, ‘If only I could do dat!’

Prepare Before You Go “Cold Turkey”. Doesn’t sound much fun.

Consider Nicotine-Replacement Therapy. But I want to get off nicotine!

Learn About Prescription Pills. Pills? You’ve got to be joking!

Lean on Your Loved Ones. Not very fair on them – why should I?

Give Yourself a Break. That’s what I’m trying to do by quitting smoking!

Avoid Alcohol and Other Triggers. So it’s just a matter of avoiding Triggers, whatever that means, is it?

Clean House. My house is already clean. The maid does it every day.

Try and Try Again. This means fail and fail again.

Get Moving. I suppose this means take exercise. So that’s the cure for smoking?!

Eat Fruits and Veggies. Do they take me for a child? Call them vegetables!

Choose Your Reward. Quitting smoking is its own reward.

Remember That Time Is on Your Side. But it isn’t. Time is running out!

What’s so unfortunate about all this is that it’s almost an insult to smokers – many of whom are indeed struggling to quit – to offer them merely ‘tips’. Not just any old tips, mind you, and not even the best tips, but the ‘best ever’ sort. Do they think smokers have never thought of these things themselves? Even if you followed all these suggestions it wouldn’t be of much help. Why? Because many of them are discouraging and they do very little to explain why it seems difficult to quit smoking. For good measure even this old shibboleth is thrown in: ‘When you stop smoking, nicotine withdrawal may give you headaches, affect your mood, or sap your energy.’

Is there a conspiracy among doctors, governments and Big Pharma to encourage smokers to use nicotine products and prescription drugs? I think there is: it’s what I call the Tobacco Control Industry. This is explained in my 2016 book, Smoking is a Psychological Problem.

Text © Gabriel Symonds